Hunchback of Notre Dame: Take 123!
by Gothika Faerie
Summary: Hilarious outtakes from the movie! I accept suggestions and ideas for bloopers if you want to see them being typed.
1. Day 1 of Shooting

Title: Hunchback of Notre Dame: Take 123!

Summary: Being a character of HOND isn't easy. There's long hours of filming and what not. So our crazy cast lets on about their worst outtakes ever.

Genre: Humor/Parody

Rated: T for language and sophomoric humor

A/N: They're supposed to be a touch OOC in this story so don't be alarmed. I will continue to add bloopers if you guys can give me ideas or if the ideas just hit me.

'Bells of Notre Dame' scene

Clopin: How did he come to be there?

Puppet Clopin: How?

(Clopin hits it with his stick and shouts at the painful jar to his head. He begins screaming vulgarities, oblivious to the flock of innocent children in front of him.)

Clopin: Son of a b****h!! That f***ing hurts!!! (He rubs his sore head and notices the children staring at him, mouth agape and scared. He sneers.) Oh please, it isn't really the 14th century, you know? People say f**k all the time.

Director: Clopin! You're not supposed to be teaching kids these words!!!!

Clopin: Whatever. Screw this; I'm going to go find that smartass that replaced my puppet with a voodoo doll. (Storms off camera, fuming.)

Me: Shush. He'll never know.

'Alphabet' scene

Frollo: Shall we review your alphabet today?

Quasimodo: Oh yes Master, I'd like that very much.

Frollo: Very well. 'A'?

Quasimodo: Uh…acrimonious. No, abecedarian. Wait, armadillo. No, that's not it. Or was it amorous? Wait, I bet it's abstract. No…um, I think it's…(An hour passes by and he's STILL figuring out what 'A' stands for.) Wait, I got it, it's abomination, right?

Frollo: (Had fell asleep while Quasimodo was busy remembering his line, wakes up.) Huh? Okay, 'B'?

Quasimodo: Uh…boogers?

Director: Quasi…did you even look at your script this morning? (Is really pissed off.)

Quasimodo: Uh…(Remembers going to an all-night party instead of rehearsing.) Yes?

Director: Oh, just cut!

'The Court of Miracles is mine' scene

Frollo: There will be a bonfire in the town square this evening and you're all invited.

(His guards start snickering and laughing.) What? What's so humorous?

Phoebus: Nothing, Frollo. (Tries to hold back impending guffaw.)

Quasimodo: Yeah, everything is very…well covered. (Puts hand over mouth to shield laughter.)

Clopin: Yeah, nothing to get your robes in a twist about. (Everyone except Esmeralda begins laughing uncontrollably, leaving Frollo completely confused.)

Frollo: I demand an explanation! What is it about that you all find so amusing?

Esmeralda: (Whispers to Phoebus.) Now can we tell him that the back of his robe is accidentally tucked in to his tights, leaving his butt exposed for the world to see?

Phoebus: Give it a few more minutes.

Frollo: And can someone please tell me why it's so drafty?

'Frollo Grabs Esmeralda' scene

Frollo: You think you've out…Hey! (Gets shoved away by Esmeralda whom looks positively infuriated.)

Esmeralda: What! What! What do you want, you depraved pervert! You want to pick a fight with me, is that what you want! Huh! Because I'm pretty damn tough!

Frollo: Um…you do know we're just acting?

Esmeralda: Oh, don't play innocent with me. I know you want to cop a feel. And why are there no peanut butter fudge brownies anymore? (Storms off camera, cursing and muttering about the lack of chocolate.)

Frollo: Director, can we not do scenes while she's on a PMS high?

'Festival of Fools' scene

Clopin: Dance La Esmeraldaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…Cough! Hack! (Clutches at chest while coughing violently. His voice comes out all squeaky and scratchy.) Ugh…need…a…lozenge. (Coughs more violently.)

Director: Somebody get Clopin some warm milk and honey and a cough drop…before he coughs up his lungs all over the set. (Warily stares at the winded, still hacking gypsy.)

'Dance La Esmeralda' scene

(Esmeralda grabs spear and performs her 'pole dance' routine only for the pole to snap in mid-air, catapulting her onto the ground.)

Esmeralda: Oh, s**t. I knew I should've lost those few extra pounds.

Clopin: Thought you were on Atkins.

Esmeralda: (Guiltily.) Ben and Jerry found me, okay?

Director: Oh for the love of…Cut!

'Crushing ants' scene

(Frollo picks up stone and slams it into the ants. The stone shatters to pieces.) Wow…I didn't know I was that strong.

Phoebus: (Whining.) You kidding? You make guys like me look like ninety-pound wimps!

Frollo: What's the matter? Feeling emasculated?

Director: Claude, quit picking on Phoebus! It's not his fault he's a wimp.

Phoebus: Yeah! Wait...(After several minutes of thinking his sparse brain cells managed to squeeze out.) Hey!

'Choose me…or the Fire' scene

Frollo: Choose me…or the fire.

Esmeralda: Uh, Frollo? (Tries to warn him about the fact that the fire has accidently caught on his chaperon.)

Frollo: What? (Starts to feel very warm.) My God, someone turn up the air conditioning, it's practically burning!

Esmeralda: Well, duh! You're hat's on fire…and it's spreading!!

(Frollo screams and begins running around, arms flailing and rolling on the ground, trying to extinguish the flames. Quasi and Phoebus take extinguishers and activate them, covering everything and everybody in sticky, thick white foam.)

Director: (With mouth filled with foam, mumbles.) Mmm…gurgle…gasp…grumble…Cut!

'Cathedral' scene

Frollo: (Makes voice go all deep and sexy while saying this.) So typical of your kind to twist the truth and cloud the mind with unholy thoughts. (Looks at her, waiting for a reaction.)

Esmeralda: Uh…aren't you supposed to like leave or something?

Frollo: You mean you don't feel swooned? Or like you're about to melt?

Esmeralda: (Shrugging.) No.

Frollo: Not even a shudder? Or a deep purring feeling? (Incredulous.)

Esmeralda: No, I feel perfectly fine.

Frollo: But how's that possible! The voice always gets them!!

Esmeralda: Okay…you have to stop believing that all you read on those little forums your fan girls put up are always going to work.

Frollo: Oh yeah? How about my eyebrow arch? (Arches eyebrow sexily with a devilish grin.)

Esmeralda: Zip. Don't feel a thing.

Frollo: Uh, my teeth? (Flashes those gorgeous pearly whites worthy of a Colgate commercial.)

Esmeralda: Zilch.

Frollo: Uh, my hair when it's all messy? (Removes hat and tousle hair with his fingers, making look so desirably wild.)

Esmeralda: Now, I just think you look insane.

Frollo: Okay, my hands? (Reaches out and strokes her chin feverishly. Now, I'm shuddering and purring.)

Esmeralda: (Yawns.) Buttons not being pushed.

Frollo: Fine, then I'll resort to my one last weapon.

Esmeralda: (Sarcastically.) Gee, I can hardly wait.

(Frollo grabs her and dips her low, kissing her feverishly and passionately, shocking the gypsy tremendously. He then stands her back up where she is now speechless and wide-eyed.)

Frollo: (Smirking.) Well, I'm guessing I finally got a reaction. (Leaves, chuckling darkly.)

Esmeralda: (Snapping out of her coma, turns to Director meekly.) Um…could we change the script and have me end up with Frollo, please?

Director: What, no! And what just happened?

Clopin: I'm thinking Frollo was trying to prove how irresistible he is to her and well…he succeeded.

Director: Oy! I need a vacation. (Rests head in palm exasperatedly.)

'Sun God' scene

Phoebus: I'm Phoebus. It means 'Sun God'.

(Esmeralda and Djali exchange unimpressed looks with each other and suddenly, burst out laughing and bleating.)

Esmeralda: Sun God! What kind of lame name is that?! Sun God?!!! (Fall over giggling along with Djali whom is bleating his heart out in humor.)

Phoebus: (Pouting.) You're all just mean. (Leaves in a huff.)

Esmeralda: Oh come back, you big baby. (Keeps giggling until sides ache.)

Director: Somebody please get Phoebus back even though his name is superbly and admittedly lame.

'On top of Notre Dame Battle' scene

Take 1

Frollo: Now, I'm going to do what I should have done twenty years ago! (Grabs cape and attempts to throw it at Quasi but accidentally ends up entangling him instead. Fail.) Ugh, can't see! Can't see!

Take 2

(Successfully wraps Quasi in cape but Quasi immediately fall, dragging Frollo along and they both plummet to the floor. Ouch.)

Quasimodo: Can't…feel…toes.

Frollo: I think I broke my hip. Badly.

Director: Come on, people! We're behind schedule here!

Frollo: (Whispers.) B*****d.

Quasimodo: (Whispers also) A**hole.

Directors: What was that?!

Both: Nothing.

'Quasimodo getting tortured' scene

(The peasants fling rotten fruit at Quasi whom does a great job at looking terrified. Suddenly, a tomato hits him in the eye.)

Quasimodo: No!!! Not tomatoes!!!! I'm deathly allergic to tomatoes!!!! (Begins swelling up and a rash rapidly spreads over him.)

Director: Somebody get a doctor before Quasi blows and it starts raining little hunchbacks!!!!

'Sanctuary' scene

(Frollo grabs the baby from Quasi's mum but she refuses to let go. No matter how hard he pulls.)

Frollo: Uh, Natasha, you supposed to let go now.

Natasha: But why? I only get ten minutes of screen time, then I get my head kicked before landing on those really hard stone steps. I mean come on, don't I deserve a bit more screen time?

Frollo: Look, I talked to the Director and he was adamant about you dying.

Natasha: What happened to you not stop trying until you succeeded? Like what you promised me in you dressing room late last night during our…'rehearsal'?

Esmeralda: (Storms on camera.) Whoa, you slept with her while lusting after me?!

Natasha: You lusted after her while sleeping with me?!

Frollo: Uh…camera's still rolling, girls.

Both gypsy girls: (Whom are now really pissed off.) Don't you dare change the subject, Claude Frollo!

Frollo: Help me.

Director: Ladies, we can settle this little affair AFTER shooting.

Both gypsy girls: You better have a good explanation after the movie, Frollo.

Frollo: (Runs hand through hair, frustrated.) Suddenly, I really wished I did fall off that gargoyle and burnt in that fiery pit.

A/N: Well that's all I got for now. I'll continue soon. Leave reviews and ideas, okay?


	2. Day 2 of Shooting

A/N: Continuing the blooper reel! I like to thank a certain authoress for helping me with the ideas.

'Phoebus fall into River' scene

(Phoebus gets shot by arrow and falls into river. Frollo goes and watches him drown but then ends up falling into the river as well due a very weak bridge!)

Frollo: Help! Can't swim!

Phoebus: You can't swim? I can barely float with this armor!!! (Starts flailing arms and shouting for help)

Esmeralda: Uh, was this in the script or something?

Director: Somebody fish those two out and please fix that bridge. It needs to support everybody!

'Choose me…or fire' scene

(Esmeralda spits at Frollo but it ends up in his eye.)

Frollo: Oh God, you b***h!!! That f**king burns!!! (Rubs his eye violently, trying to soothe the pain.)

Esmeralda: Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I was really trying to aim for your cheek!

Frollo: Screw this! Get my agent on the phone, will you!

'Quasimodo eat grapes' scene

(Quasi looks like he's pretending to choke but then, he really is!)

Quasimodo: Ack!! Grape…(chokes)…went…(gasps)…down…wrong…(oh god, gasps and chokes) tunnel…(chokes and clutches at throat)

(Frollo gets up and immediately administers the Heimlich maneuver. The grape comes flying out of Quasi's mouth and splatters into the director's face.)

Director: Cut! (Wipes grape ooze disgustedly away from his face.) Ugh, hunchback saliva.

'I know what you're imagining' scene

(Esmeralda elbows him and tries to spin away when she discovers her earring is snagged on his sleeve.)

Esmeralda: Ow! Oh, great, it's entangled. Can you loosen it? Ow, don't pull!!

Frollo: Okay, just stay still. This might take a while. Tilt your head a little.

Esmeralda: (After a few minutes.) Yes, Frollo, move slower. We'll finish shooting if you keep moving this slow.

Frollo: Will you stop complaining? Do you have any idea how hard it is to do this? (Tugs a bit, making Esme yowl.)

Esmeralda: Ow!! I said, don't pull!

Director: Ugh, why don't you two take five so you can do this?

'Bells of Notre Dame' scene

(Frollo rides through the alleys but instead of blocking the hanging sign, he slams right into it.)

Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!

Frollo: (Stands up unsteadily, showing a bleeding nose and a black eye.) I'm fine. (Groggily.) I'm okay. (Crumples onto floor.)

Quasimodo: (Checking on him.) Psst…Director, he's not moving.

Director: Get the medics on speed dial, now!

'In the Court of Miracles' scene

(Clopin skips around in Frollo's robe and spins to remove it, revealing a…tutu.)

Phoebus: Hey Clopin, nice tutu. (Sniggers.)

Quasimodo: Can you please re-enact Swan Lake, Miss. Prima Donna.

Clopin: All right! Who's the cracker ass that did this!

(Frollo whistling innocently backstage.)

'Somewhere in bell tower' scene

Esmeralda: And maybe Frollo's wrong about the both of us.

(With the gargoyles piled on top of each other.)

Hugo: What did she say?

Laverne: The director's full of Ding-Dongs and won't pay us.

Director: Look, I'll get your paycheck soon! Stop rubbing it in!

'Hellfire' scene

(Esmeralda is watching everything in an entranced state.)

Frollo: But she will be mine or…she…will…BURN!!!! (Does the whole dramatic thing where he gets down on his knees and falls down into cross shape formation.)

Director: Okay and CUT!

Esmeralda: What no!!! (Everyone stares at her, bewildered.) I mean…he was flat when he sang the last note! (Points at Frollo.)

Everyone: (Looks really confused.)

Esmeralda: Yeah, work on that note, Frollo. Well, aren't we going to keep rolling?

'After shooting' scene

Director: Okay everybody, great shooting today. See you all back here at 8am sharp.

Quasimodo: (Removes prosthetic mask and false hump underneath shirt.) Finally, this stupid hump thing was giving me a real backache! And why do I have to wear this mask? I look stupid.

Esmeralda: Well, you're supposed to look stupid. (Removes hair scarf and flips hair out. Notices Frollo is staring.) Wow, even off camera, you can't keep your eyes off my chest.

Frollo: (Smirks and removes hat and robe.) Don't flatter yourself, Esme. My God, it's hot! It was like a hundred degrees in that robe. How did judges back then survive?

Clopin: Oh, give it a rest. I'm wearing a leotard that makes some of our fans think I'm colorblind and/or gay. (Pulls out 'Little Clopin'.) But, it sure is worth it to keep this puppet.

Phoebus: (Takes a swig of water.) So you all heading to the Cherry Pit later? Drinks are on me tonight!

Quasimodo: Love the sound of that. I'll have scotch on the rocks.

Esmeralda: Chocolate martini for me.

Frollo: Tequila with added spice.

Clopin: I'll settle for a whiskey soda.

Phoebus: Cool, let's head out then. Oh and by the way, what you guys doing later?

Esmeralda: I got to get back to the daycare centre. My students miss me. They say I'm the nicest teacher ever. (Sighs wistfully.)

Frollo: Anton warned me to get to the studio by 7. Armani wants me on their runway and their cover.

Clopin: I got to go teach an aerobics class in a bit. Better not get too drunk.

Quasimodo: And I have to go fill out a timber order for IKEA.

Phoebus: Man, our fans would never expect we'd be great friends and lead normal lives, won't they?

Esmeralda: Or the fact we might be more than friends. (Smirks suggestively at Frollo whom smiles back in kind.)

Clopin: Eh, they probably never are the wiser.

'Next day at Shooting' scene

Clopin: Hey, where's everyone?

Quasimodo: (After putting on 2 hours worth of makeup and filling his shirt with his hump.) I don't know. Phoebus should be here any minute. (The latter soon arrives, smiling triumphantly.) So who is it, Phoebus? French or Italian?

Phoebus: Spanish. Big set of jugs, nice ass, smooth curves and I went all the way with her. Twice.

Clopin: (Sarcastically.) Don't rub it in, Mr. 'I-sleep-with-easy-foreign-women-because-I've-got-no-respect-for-the-female-form'.

Quasimodo: How you get laid so often I'll never know.

(Frollo and Esmeralda soon arrive, straightening their clothing, looking a bit flushed.)

Frollo: We greatly apologize. We…lost track of time.

Esmeralda: Yeah, my dress needed adjusting.

Clopin: Guys, we know you two go make out in the dressing rooms before and after every shooting. We're not dense, you know?

Quasimodo: When will I ever get a girlfriend? (Wistful.)

Esmeralda: You get one in the second movie. Be patient.

Clopin: Yeah but did you see the animation? Two words. Crap-py.

Phoebus: And our 'son'? He looks nothing like you.

Frollo: Not to mention that I'm being replaced by some gay, narcisstic pussy that can't even formulate a real evil plan. Talk about disgraceful choices!

Esmeralda: Well, at least people will still love us for this movie.

Clopin: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's make a movie.

'Dance La Esmeralda' scene

(Clopin does disappearing act and when the smoke clears, he's still standing there wearing a shirt that says 'I like Sucking Big Manly 'D***S'.)

Clopin: What the f**k! Okay, who's doing this?

Phoebus: (Whispers to Quasi.) You think he'll figure it out?

Quasimodo: This is Clopin we're talking about.

'Esmeralda chase' scene

(Esmeralda disappears into the cloth and when tall guy on stilts lifts the cloth off, she's standing there, wearing Frollo's robes.)

Esmeralda: Ta-da! (Poses prettily.)

Director: Wait, if you're wearing Frollo's robes, then what…(Sends camera to the area where Frollo crawls out from under collapsed tent. He's wearing Esmeralda's dress!)

Frollo: (Looks down.) All right, who's the bloody b*****d who did this?

Esmeralda: Don't look at me. Besides, I look good in this robe.

Director: Get back into your original costumes and get back to acting, will you?

'Alphabet' scene

(Frollo sipping his wine and then spits it all out, all over Quasi.)

Frollo: Ugh, this is saliva! Who went around spitting into my chalice!!

Quasimodo: Ew!! Is that what this is!!! (Wipes it off of himself hurriedly.)

Cameramen: (Whispering.) Will he ever find out?

'He shall smite the Wicked' scene

Frollo: And he shall…(The winds are too strong and they blow his cassock straight upwards, giving all of the horny Frollo fan girls a juicy shot at his amazing legs.)

Frollo fan girl #1: Whoo whoo!! (Snaps picture with phone camera.)

Frollo fan girl#2: Look at those gorgeous thighs!! (Drools and whistles.)

Director: Somebody calm down the fans and please weaken the fans a little.

A/N: Well there you go. I added in the 'After shooting' and 'Next day at shooting' scenes because I was out of ideas.


	3. Day 3 of Shooting

A/N: Continuing the outtakes! And please review already! I need ideas if I'm ever going to continue this. Like to thank two authoresses for their ideas.

'Quasimodo Kicks Phoebus' scene

(Quasi kicks Phoebus while he's pretending to sleep under the table but ends up kicking too hard, giving him a bleeding nose.)

Phoebus: (Climbs out from under table.) Dude, what the hell! Director said kick, not massacre!

Quasimodo: Are you kidding me? I kicked you as gently as I could. What are you, a wimp?

Phoebus: Me, a wimp! Big talk coming from the guy who sleeps with a security blanket.

Quasimodo: (Gasps.) You promised you would never bring that up!

Phoebus: (Imitates Quasi.) Oh, blanket, I'm so scared. Save me from all the scary monsters. Grow up, you big baby!

Quasimodo: You're a jerk!

Phoebus: Oh yeah, well you're a coward!

Quasimodo: Dipstick!

Phoebus: Idiot!

Quasimodo: Moron!

Phoebus: Freak!

Quasimodo: Butt Munch!

Phoebus: Jerk Wad!

Quasimodo: Don Juan Wannabe!

Phoebus: Deformed Monster!!

Quasimodo: (Gasps.) You take that back, you ***hole!

Phoebus: Make me, you b*****d!

Frollo: Guys, please, cameras are still…

Both of them: You stay out of this!

Frollo: All right, now I'm pissed! (Lunges forward and grab them both by the shoulder painfully.)

Both of them: Ow!! Shoulder is pained!! Shoulder falling out of sockets!

Frollo: Now, I will let go if you two stop this childish nonsense.

Both of them: (Whimpering.) Fine.

Director: Uh, Frollo was that really necessary?

All three of them: Now YOU stay out of it!!

Director: …

'Off camera' scene

Esmeralda: Has anyone seen Djali?

Quasimodo: I don't know. I thought Clopin had him.

Esmeralda: Huh, he seems to be alone with Djali nowadays, isn't he?

Quasimodo: (Shrugs.) Why don't we go see him? (Both head to Clopin's dressing room. They are about to knock when they hear strange noises coming from the room.)

Clopin: Aw, you're a cute little goat, you know that? Oh, yes you are. Oh, yes you are. (Cooing to Djali.) Mmm, you got a nice, soft fur coat. And the longest, most graceful ears. With a nice round little…Ahh…(Notices Quasi and Esme have just walked in.)

Esmeralda: Ok, and I thought Frollo had weird fetishes.

Clopin: Hey, I'm a goat lover, okay? Don't judge me!

Both of them: …You need psychological help.

'Choose me…or fire' scene

Frollo: Choose me…or the fire.

(Esmeralda looks really uncomfortable. In fact, she's trembling and her knees are grinding into each other.)

Frollo: (Whispers.) Uh, we're just acting, you know? You're not actually going to die. See, it's not even real fire. (Touches the flame and gets burnt.) Son of a bloody b***h!! It is real fire!

Esmeralda: It's not that...can you untie me please?

Frollo: Why…

Esmeralda: Untie me!!! (Angrily.)

Frollo: Okay, Jesus, calm down. (Unties her quickly.)

Esmeralda: Thank you. Excuse me. (Runs off camera.)

Frollo: Okay…(Hears flushing noises in the background.)

Esmeralda: (Sighs with relief and walks back on camera.) Sorry, had too much coffee before this scene.

Director: Okay, I'll make this clear to understand…go to the bathroom before shooting, get it?!

'Dance La Esmeralda' scene

(Esmeralda leaps towards Frollo and into his lap and accidentally knees him in an area guys insist should be treated with utter tenderness.)

Frollo: Ow! Ok, valuable things are being harmed!

Esmeralda: Oh my god! (Leaps off immediately.) Are you okay? (Notices he is bent over in pain and discomfort.) Frollo?

Frollo: Can I please get an icepack over here! Now!!! (Groans.)

Director: Somebody get him some ice and…a stuntman because he won't be standing up for quite some time. (Eyes the fallen judge warily.)

'Seizing Cathedral' scene

(Quasimodo throws huge pillar thing but ends up crashing everybody instead of the carriage.)

Frollo: (From under the heavy pillar.) Hey, watch where you're aiming those things!

Quasimodo: Oops, sorry. It's just that those target things on the ground are hard to see.

'Execution at Court of Miracles' scene

(Esmeralda stops execution in nick of time.)

Esmeralda: You can't kill them, Clopin…because they owe $300!

Phoebus: What? You want the money now!

Quasimodo: Esmeralda…we're really stone broke today. And besides, the cameras still are rolling.

Esmeralda: You should've thought of that before borrowing money from me for your precious 'Victoria's Secret' catalogs.

Phoebus: Hey, those negligees would've looked good on me!! (Everybody stares at him, gaping and shocked. He realizes what he just was totally gay and totally embarrassing.) Er…I mean, on 'you'.

Esmeralda: …I still can't believe I had to not only kiss you in this movie, but marry you as well!

'Bridge' scene (Revised)

(Phoebus is about to led away into the dungeons and killed. Esmeralda intervenes immediately.)

Esmeralda: Please! Don't kill Phoebus for treason!

Frollo: Fine! But, you're going to have to do something for me.

Esmeralda: (Sighs and begins removing shirt.)

Frollo: (Smirks evilly.)

Director: Whoa! What! This isn't in the script! Who replaced all the scripts with this erotic junk!

(I now disappear backstage before they kill me.)

'Frollo and Esmeralda cathedral' scene (Revised)

Esmeralda: I know what you were imagining. You were imagining putting your ***** into my ****** and rattling it just nice before ***** with my ****** and then making me blow on your ******* until we both ****** into pure bliss.

Frollo: (Blinks.) That was…very vivid.

Esmeralda: Want to see how vivid I can really go?

Frollo: (Blinks again.)

Director: All right, seriously!! Who keeps changing the scripts?

Me: (Whistles innocently.)

'Ready to fly?' scene

(Quasimodo takes the baby bird and accidentally drops it.)

Quasimodo: Oops! Sorry, little smashed-up bird.

Director: Quasimodo, that's the fourth bird you killed today!

Quasimodo: Don't worry, this time I won't drop it. (Takes another bird but throws it up too high and it smacks into the ceiling.) Uh, I think we need a scraper.

Director: Oy! When the SPCA calls, tell them I'm in the Bahamas.

'Court of Miracles' scene

(Clopin giddily skipping around in Frollo's costume when he suddenly stops.)

Clopin: Uh, guys can we stop shooting for a while? The crotch of my hose is down to my knee and the inner sleeves are riding up my armpits. (Everybody gawks at him.)

Director: Thanks Clopin, it'll be fun thinking about stuff like that. Stuff that we'll never be able to get out of our brains.

Clopin: Oh, and I need a spatula. (Grabs a bit of the stretchy tights.) These things will take forever to pry off what with them being fused to my body in this heat!

Frollo: (Off camera.) Well, I've lost all sight of my costume ever being considered vogue.

A/N: Well, that's all for now. Sorry, it's short but I ran out of ideas. Please leave me reviews and ideas.


	4. Day 4 of Shooting

A/N: I'm continuing the bloopers after a tiresome hiatus. I'm trying to finish up Bittersweet. So, laugh at the antics and pranks the cast members get into.

'Out there' scene

Frollo: Remember Quasimodo…this is your sanctuary. (Does the whole graceful wave of his hand and begins walking down the stairs. However, he is ignorant to the banana peel on one of the steps and he slips and tumbles down the stone steps!) Ouch!...Ow!...Oh, that hurts!...Ooh…Ok, I twisted something back there…Owee!...THUD! Ugh…that's going to hurt in the morning. (Looks at the incriminating banana peel and holds it up in anger.) Whomever this banana peel belongs to is going to get smited by the business end of my sword!

Clopin: (Walks on camera, a bunch of bananas in hand and chomping on one.) Hey, Frollo, want a banana?

Frollo: (Growls scarily.)

Clopin: Uh, are you okay? You look like you just fell down twelve flights of stone stairs.

Frollo: That's because I DID! (Begins chasing Clopin around, with a sword raised. Clopin is running around, screaming for help.)

Director: Guys, stop…oh forget it. Ugh, someone hand me my aspirins.

'Battle of Notre Dame' scene

Quasimodo: SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY! (Accidentally drops Esmeralda.) Aw crap.

Esmeralda: Quasi, that's the fifth time you dropped me today!

Quasimodo: I'm sorry! Heights make me nervous and I drop stuff when I'm nervous!

'Frollo and Esmeralda' scene

Esmeralda: What are you doing?

Frollo: I'm just imagining a rope…around that beautiful neck. Ok, seriously, cut, please! Why…why do I have to sound like some sex-crazed pervert in this movie? Aren't I supposed to be pure and pious and what not?

Esmeralda: You are…lust just overpowered you. That's how your character is supposed to act like anyway. Just be happy we're not exactly following the book.

Director: Look, we can discuss plot holes and characterization _later_. Now, we have a movie to make!

Frollo: (Whispers.) With the way you're directing, it's becoming a medieval porno reject.

Director: What was that?

Frollo: Nothing.

'Catacombs' scene

Phoebus: You know…there should be something like a booby trap or…(Light ominously goes out.) An ambush.

(Light comes back on but there's no one in sight.)

Director: What the? Where'd the Hell everybody go?

Somewhere in the Bahamas…

Clopin: (Lounging in deck chair while sipping pineapple cocktail.) Will he ever figure out that secret passageway?

Phoebus: (Lounging on separate deck chair with flower garland around neck and sipping from a coconut cocktail.) If he ever had enough brain cells to, we're screwed but hey, it's his fault for taking away our vacation pay! So, I say forget the bastard and cheers! (Toasts Clopin.)

'Esmeralda and Helmet' scene

(Esmeralda flings the helmet but Phoebus doesn't duck in time. Ouch.)

Phoebus: OWWWWWW! MY HEAD! MY POOR HEAD! IT F**KING HURTS! YOU B***H! WHY'D YOU THROW SO FAST! GOD, IT BURNS!

Esmeralda: Well, you're the slowpoke that didn't duck in time!

Director: Someone get the medics! Phoebus' leaking brain fluid!

Frollo: Wait, Phoebus had a brain?

Everybody: (Cracks up and starts laughing.)

Phoebus: It's not funny! Wow, look at all the pretty stars.

Director: Medic…stat!

'Battle Atop Notre Dame' scene

(Frollo is brandishing the sword and swinging it at Quasimodo and Esmeralda whom are leaping away for dear life. He slams the sword into the gargoyle and it awakens.)

Gargoyle: Watch it, buster! (Snatches sword from Frollo.) Listen, you're liable to hurt somebody with this thing. (Glares and breaks sword in half.) You crazy. (Spits at him and goes back to being inanimate.)

Frollo: (Blink, blink.)

Director: Uh, what just happened?

'Opening' scene

Take 1

(Quasimodo pulls on the bell rope but it ends up breaking.)

Quasimodo: Damn

Take 2

(Quasimodo pulls on bell rope but all the bells come crashing down!)

Director: Aaaaaahhhhhhh! It's raining iron bells!

'Final Confrontation' scene

(Frollo swings up atop gargoyle but jumps onto the platform where Esmeralda is.)

Director: Frollo, what are you doing? You're supposed to stand on the gargoyle and drop!

Frollo: But that's stupid! I could die!

Director: Precisely why you should do it! You're _supposed _to die.

Frollo: Oh, and have Disney rid the world of the best Disney villain ever? (Everyone stares at him.) Oh, come on. You know it's true.

Director: Villains…always wanting the limelight.

'Alphabet' scene

(Frollo sips the wine and swallows. Soon, his eye starts twitching and he starts having a minor convulsion.)

Quasimodo: Master, are you…okay?

(Frollo stands up and dashes straight for Esmeralda and drags her into one of the dressing rooms with a really libidinous look on his face. Loud pleasured moans and shrieks of ecstasy are soon emitted from said room, leaving the others disgusted as hell.)

Director: What the? (Goes and picks up wine bottle and examines its contents.) Ok, who slipped a really powerful gypsy aphrodisiac in here?

Clopin: (Innocently tapping fingers together.)

Esmeralda: (Staggers out, trembling, flushed and her costume in tatters. Runs to Clopin.) Thank you! Thank you! Oh God, thank you so very much!

Clopin: No problem. Frollo paid me fifty pieces of gold for this. (Struts off, humming 'I'm in the money' while juggling the coins.)

'Crowned the Wrong Fool' scene

Take 1

Esmeralda: (Flings crown but it hits Frollo in the face.) Oops! Sorry.

Director: Cut! Let's try that again.

Take 2

Esmeralda: (Throws crown but it sails way past everybody.)

Frollo: (While pointing.) That was so off.

Director: Ok, we'll try this one last time.

Take 3

Esmeralda: (Tosses crown and it ends up breaking something off camera.) Oh, s**t!

Director: Please God, don't let it be that really expensive camera we just purchased.

'Ending' scene

(Everybody is rejoicing until they all notice Frollo's there with them.)

Quasimodo: You didn't die?

Frollo: Uh, there's this thing called 'special effects'? Research on them for a change.

Off-camera scenes

Me: Now, let us see what the HOND characters are up to after shooting is done. (Goes to Quasimodo's dressing room. Opens door to reveal Quasimodo burning all his figurines in a trashcan.)

Quasimodo: Burn, beautiful people, burn! See who's ugly now, melted face!

Me: Ok…I'm guessing Quasimodo has already hit his emo, angst phase.

Quasimodo: (Applies eyeliner and then proceeds to slash his wrists.) I knew those 'How to be Emo?' tapes worked.

Me: Ok, let's go see Esmeralda. (Goes to Esmeralda's room where she is currently popping a few pills.) Uh, Esmeralda?

Esmeralda: Oh, hi! Didn't know you'd guys would come right now! Just let clean all this up.

Me: (Catches a glimpse at the pill box.) 'Slim Fast'? Ooh, I have a hot story for the tabloids now. I can see it now, 'Curvaceous Gypsy Longs to Be Skinny Twig'.

'Groping' scene

(Frollo strokes Esmeralda's neck and sniffs her hair when a clap of thunder is heard and green smoke appears behind them. They turn around and gasp at the sight of an elegant, green-skinned, black-cloaked woman with a raven on her shoulder and a staff in her hand.)

Frollo: M…M…Maleficent?

Maleficent: Oh, so this is what you're up to when my back is turned? Frolicking and fooling around with some loose, slutty Egyptian skank? While I'm languishing in my dreary home, alone, vengeful and not getting any!

Frollo: Now, Mal…I can explain…

Maleficent: All this while you told me you were busy with the 'execution of some gypsy heathens' and I understood; it's your career after all. But no! You were off chasing some saucy little witch who's half your age!

Frollo: Mal…I assure you, it's completely innocent!

(Maleficent turns her attention to Esmeralda whom is scared s**tless.)

Maleficent: And what's this I hear about _you_ kissing _my_ man on the nose? Don't you make me cursed you into dreamless, eternal slumber like what I did with Aurora! You young whores all think you can steal boyfriends with your collagen lips and pert breasts! Come, Frollo! (Another clap of thunder is heard and green smoke fills the room again, leaving Esmeralda all alone.)

Director: What…just…***king…happened?

A/N: Haha, I'm a fan of Frollo/Maleficent. Review, please.


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